How to Leap Out of Self-Pity into Getting What You Want
Do you feel sorry for yourself? Would you confess if you did? Even if you don’t, those around you probably already see it in you.
Most men, women and children feel sorry for themselves at some stage. Most probably you included. If questioned, most of us strongly deny it. It’s not cool to admit self-pity – occasionally we might joke about it, but we rarely genuinely admit it. Why? We secretly use self-pity to manipulate others, and admitting it lets the cat out of the bag. And anyway self-pity is considered a weakness. Intuitively we all know better!
This article explains self-pity, why we’re addicted to it, and how to become motivated to replace it with getting what you truly want.
“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.”
(American author, political activist and lecturer. The first deaf-blind person to earn a Bachelor of Arts Degree, 1880 – 1968)
- Self-pity simply explained.
- The 6 addictions linked to self-pity.
- Getting motivated to go beyond self-pity.
- Easy ways to own up to self-pity.
- A 6-step recipe for letting go of self-pity, for taking control of your life and allowing what you truly want.
What is Self-Pity?
Self-pity occurs when we find ourselves unable to cope in a certain situation or with life in general. We falsely believe we are helpless, cannot change our situation and feel like a victim. We don’t take responsibility for what happened and are likely to blame someone or an organization for our plight. We are stuck.
When feeling like a victim, we usually don’t come across as helpless, but as having endured such sacrifice that we deserve admiration. We feel noble because we have suffered so much. It is as if it is dignified to suffer. If only!
What is actually happening? We are manipulating others in order to get love, sympathy and attention from them.
6 Addictions of Self-Pity
1. We want love and attention: We all love being loved, but most of us look to others for that, when we actually can only give it to ourselves. Most of us have found that when we’re sad, ill or enduring a challenging time, we receive attention from others and mistakenly interpret this attention as love. It doesn’t last long enough, so we soon need another ‘hit’ and create more helpless situations – such as accidents, ill-health or allergies – to supply us with more ‘love’ and attention. We have no idea what it is to feel genuine love and therefore feel we have no alternative but to continue in this dead-end cycle.
2. We avoid responsibility: We delude ourselves into thinking we are not responsible for our situation. This feels good because we do not have to exert any effort, and having someone else to blame is a delicious, if short-term, solution.
3. We are lazy: We become sluggish and feel entitled to sit back and do nothing except complain, which again (hopefully) provides us with attention from a friend. We wait for others to provide a solution to our challenge and we expect others to make us happy.
4. We are critical: We belittle and criticize others, as well as resent their success. We want everyone to be like us: sad, miserable and stuck.
5. We want to keep life the same: We reject change; we try to keep things the same so that we can continue to justify our inadequacies in life. We fear new information and ideas which would help us move beyond self-pity. We stunt our own growth but we don’t understand that in order to be happy and fulfilled, we must continually expand our knowledge and create new experiences. We have conned ourselves into thinking self-pity serves us well.
6. We want others to take care of us: We look not only to family and friends, but we also to corporations to supply sick-leave, paid vacations, maternity leave, pensions etc. This is linked to apathy. We have so many people caring for us that we forget how to take care of ourselves. We even forget that it’s our job to take care of ourselves.
A drawback for self-pity experts is that they have to continually find new people to listen to their woes (unless they are especially masterful at manipulation), because most people tire of listening to complaints and problems. It drags people down and they naturally start to distance themselves.
Deep down we know that self-pity is a miserable, dead-end path. We can only stay on this path for so long, until we inevitably develop boredom, depression or frustration with life.
What Could Possibly Be More Delicious Than Self-Pity?
You instantly get more of what you want by agreeing to drop the idea of self-pity and become willing to explore different ways of empowering yourself. Doing so means you present yourself with a magic key to unlock your fabulous life.
You are responsible for everything that happens in your life. Quantum theory has proved that you are the one and only creator of the life you live. From the mundane to the exciting, from your sadness to your elation, from your battles to your successes, you create it all.
How? You create what is in your life through your thoughts. Whatever you think, you create. Basically, if you think happy, uplifting, abundant thoughts then that’s your life. If you dwell on sad thoughts, that the world is unfair, that there isn’t enough, your life reflects that. Stop for a minute and look around you. You choose the life you live.
Most of us are unaware of our thoughts: we operate on auto-pilot and usually these thoughts are not what we truly want in our lives. Unfortunately, they are usually based on limiting attitudes and beliefs, or based on other people’s dreams.
To get what you want, self-pity must be left behind. To do so, you need intention, a willingness to learn and a willingness to allow new ideas.
How Do You Admit to Self-Pity?
If you are someone who (secretly) identifies with self-pity (occasionally or constantly), start by choosing to approve of yourself for everything you think, say and do. All situations in our life are feedback for us, and that is all. There is no ‘good’ or ’bad’. We believe that society expects us to behave in certain ways, but in essence none of us have to do or be anything.
Getting away from using labels such as ‘good and bad’ helps you to be honest with yourself and accept yourself for who you are. Who you are… is who you are – whether you admit it or not. Before you can become greater it is preferable to be at peace with yourself as you are now, so you can begin to work with yourself. Then you are more open to change.
Everything in life, including nature, is constantly evolving. You too are also continually learning and finding new ways to grow. This is evolution.
So if you become aware that you’re feeling self-pity, acknowledge it. Allow it, but don’t buy into it and feel sorry for yourself. Instead imagine yourself as a scientist and observe your emotions in a detached way. Watching your emotions allows them to be released forever.
Ask for Help When Ready to Change
If you need support in leaving self-pity behind and taking charge of dealing with your issues, ask for help. Acknowledge to your partner, friend or family member that although you are taking responsibility for having created your current situation and you want to take action to change it, you would appreciate support. Do whatever it takes to move on from being a victim.
6 Ways to Drop Self-Pity (and Get What You Want)
1. Take responsibility for everything in your life: This is done with just one thought – the decision to do it. It is a powerful thought pattern. You start to attract to you like-minded people and circumstances which align to your new higher path. Life becomes easier, richer and you get what you want.
2. Plan and create your life: Although people often reject the notion of being responsible for their life, it’s anything but ‘bad news’ to be responsible. Taking responsibility doesn’t mean you are suddenly to blame or disadvantaged. No, instead you are gaining a major advantage. You discover that you have a power – if you were able to create what you didn’t want then you can equally create what you do want. That’s in fact ‘wonderful news’, and because you are now thinking consciously, you get to design your life the way you want it.
3. Create affirmations: Create an intention to become aware of your thoughts, especially those involving self-pity. Create affirmations that remind you of the power of thought, e.g. ‘I easily have happy thoughts’, ‘I have thoughts that create a fabulous life for me’. Create your own as well because it’s fun to do and they are tailored to you. For this to happen you must merely want to do it – that is all. You don’t need to know how it will happen. Place your affirmations in prominent places around your home and workplace.
4. Decide to be strong and self-sufficient: Even if you have no idea how you are going to live this way, choosing these thoughts helps you overcome obstacles with greater ease. You gain wisdom, more happiness and proficiency in creating what you want in your life. Rather than mulling over your situation and waiting for others to solve it, you are empowered to create exactly what you want. People will be drawn to you because of your strength, even if all you are doing is ‘trying’ to be strong. People are drawn to strength and turned away by weakness and despair.
5. Start to love yourself: You love yourself by approving of everything you think, say and do and by choosing to do what you love to do. When you do this, you’re happier. You no longer depend on others for love. No-one can give you love; you can only give it to yourself. Doing what you love, is being loving to yourself. Even if you feel you’ve let yourself down, still love yourself as you are; you’re proud of you. Then you see in others the love you have for yourself. The more you love yourself, the more loving others seem to be, yet it is always a reflection. Others are your mirror, reflecting to you who you are. You don’t see them; you see you. This is also why you can’t blame others.
6. Gratitude: Choose to be grateful for what you already have in your life. Gratitude is a powerful attitude. Be determined to notice and acknowledge what you have. Write down the list in a special journal or type it up and print it to remind you of the fabulous things in your life. The longer your list becomes, the more you find to add to it.
Once you’ve tasted the rich rewards of taking charge of your life, you realize that life as a victim is sad, lonely, boring and destructive, you’ll be relieved to be out of there!
Do you know anyone who would like to get anything they want? Visit www.janetpoole.com for a look at the book ‘Just Like That! ’ How to Get Anything You Want. You are entitled to get what you want and be happy. Find out how and why. The book uses the forgotten truth of ancient wisdom to lift you out of restrictive current beliefs and provide an in-depth step-by-step approach to aligning your thoughts with what you want. It also offers exercises that help integrate the knowledge into your life.