Our 2 primary purposes on Earth?
To be happy and have exciting new experiences.
The best way to achieve that is to keep growing, evolving.
Enter relationships! They are one of the main ways we grow. Especially of course when they’re challenging us.
The point being:
A challenging relationship is not a “problem”, it can be AN ASSET.
Have a brilliant time at your family gatherings this year by taking the higher road. Take those disputes and use them to release hidden issues (which dictate your life!) Releasing them opens you to exciting new opportunities.
These 7 steps wrap-up parts 1 & 2, which built the understanding behind disputes. Now you have what you need to use a dispute as a valuable opportunity to transform your life. If you’re someone who wants to become greater follow the 7 steps and look back on the issue as a blessing.
So now, you have the power to create what you want. It’s your choice. You can either have:
- a heavy life filled with revenge & justice
OR
- a free & light-hearted life with anything you want
It may require humility but I promise you, you’ll always win.
(NOTE: This does not involve working this out with the other person – this is ALL ABOUT YOU – as usual : -)
Use this article for any disagreement or where you’re not getting along.
“To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it.” ~~ Charlie Chaplin
Whether you do anything about this or not depends on how much this is hurting you.
Enough pain and you’ll act.
This is part 3 of a 3-part series: Coming Through Family Disputes Peacefully and More Empowered.
Part 1 – Family Disputes: Tips to Laugh More, Cry Less. Introduced you to disputes, why you enjoy them and the REWARDS you get when you discover what’s behind them.
Part 2 – 3 Things You’re Doing to Let Others Control You. Ways you inadvertently let others control you. Give yourself a gift of freedom and take back your power.
7 Steps to Using a Dispute to Get What You Want
Steps 1 – 4 may be a challenge. Do them so you can CELEBRATE in steps 5 – 7!
1. Create the intention to learn about yourself.
The natural state of your Spirit is to learn, to discover – especially about YOU!
Try to put revenge, anger, disappointment aside for these 7 steps. If it seems impossible to learn anything, try saying one of the following sentences to at least get you onto the page:
- “Is there any way I could be open to the possibility there is something important to learn about myself – even though I’m still angry about what happened?”
- “I choose to learn something profound about me today.”
- “What if being open to learning about my role in this, could really change my life?”
- “Is there a chance my life could become more meaningful by understanding the message in this situation?”
Another idea: Pretend you’re observing someone else with this issue – learn by watching.
“Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness.”
~~ Jean Vanier (Canadian Catholic philosopher Founder of L’Arche – group homes for people with developmental disabilities b. 1928)
2. Take a stance of ‘no blame’.
No right and wrong. Not you, not them – even if it’s just for this exercise.
“I’m not OK, you’re not OK — and that’s OK.”
~~ William Sloane Coffin (American clergyman, long-time peace activist 1924 – 2006)
You may not want to let the other person off the hook because they hurt you, but once you understand the reason for disputes your fear disappears and nothing can hurt you.
Because…
…when you know you create every part of your life, how can anyone hurt you?
Now that’s power : -)
To learn why you create everything in your life see Part 2 – 3 Things You’re Doing to Let Others Control You – specifically points 1 & 2:
- 1: Others Control You if You Try to Prove Them Wrong
- 2: Others Control You if You Blame Them for What Happened
In fact once you know this, learning more about you becomes more important and exciting than seeking revenge and justice.
3. Create and contemplate the following questions.
Do this key step to get valuable insights out-of-the blue.
Idea: Print this page, so you can have these questions with you when you have time such as in traffic, on a train, bus or cooking etc. Make it easy for you to take action.
These give you the message about using this dispute to grow. It may not be obvious how these questions help, but do it and you’ll see.
- “What bugs me about this person?”
- “Could this be my message?”
- “How does this person make me feel?”
- “What does that message tell me about myself?”
- “What message is this person giving me?”
- “How are they treating me?”
- “Is it possible their treatment of me is how I expect to be treated?”
- “Is it possible their treatment of me is how I treat others?”
- “If I was open to learning about myself today, what would that learning be?”
- “How can I evolve from this experience: how can I grow?”
“We do not see things as they are, but as we are ourselves.”
~~ Henry M. Tomlinson (British writer and journalist 1873 – 1958)
4. Use those answers to discover any inadequacies in you.
It’s in your nature to change… to transform.
When someone annoys us it’s usually highlighting an inadequacy. It means it’s time to MOVE ON from the inadequacy.
Did the questions in point#3 uncover feelings of:
- inferiority
- bitterness
- guilt
- anxiety
- self-pity
- jealousy
- disappointment in yourself
or
- arrogance
- stubbornness
or they made you feel
- afraid, fearful – maybe you feel you need to toe the line & keep others happy to avoid being abandoned or excluded.
This is why that insensitive – annoying – hurtful or frightening person can be an ASSET.
(see WHY in Part 1 – Tips to Laugh More, Cry Less.)
This is not that easy – we’re often in denial about our feelings because you may see yourself as weak. But that’s not true. It takes strength to see ourselves for who we are. No-one is perfect and if you hide the issue, it’s still there.
Here’s a good question:
“Is it worth hiding these issues and holding yourself back for all eternity?”
“The person with insight enough to admit his limitations comes nearest to perfection.”
~~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (German writer, artist & politician 1749 – 1832)
Let’s take one of the questions from above as an example:
- “Is it possible their treatment of me is how I expect to be treated?”
Perhaps you decided DISRESPECT is the issue. What could that possibly mean for you?
Contemplate, drill down further with more questions and you may come up with a NEED FOR APPROVAL. Keep drilling down every time you discover something – what is behind the issue. Then, contemplate ways you can start giving yourself whatever you’re lacking e.g. respect and approval. Remember you can only give yourself what you need – others cannot do it for you. Once you give it to yourself, you’ll see it reflected in your relationship with others. Step 6 continues this process.
“A man who knows he is a fool, is not a great fool.”
~~ Zhuangzi (Influential Chinese philosopher who lived around 4th century BCE)
Remember the ripple effects and rewards from recognizing and changing just one inadequacy or limitation can be phenomenal.
You can get more help from Chapter 3 – Whatever You Think is True – which comes as a part of the FREE 3 chapter download of the book. It will help you understand:
- where your thoughts come from
- why anything you want is already there for you
- how to consciously choose your thoughts
- (see the end of this article for what you get in the free download)
5. Acknowledge what you’ve discovered – this is fabulous!
Let’s liberate you.
Really own it. By taking responsibility for who you are, you will naturally start to heal and move into the wonderful.
“Champions take responsibility. When the ball is coming over the net, you can be sure I want the ball.”
~~ Billie Jean King (American tennis player – Won 12 Grand Slam singles tennis titles b. 1943)
6. NOW FOR SOME FUN! Decide what you want.
How do you want to be treated?
Use this information to move in a new direction. You have infinite potentials. Just say the word. Often we “wish” but never really state with intention what we want.
Choose powerful thoughts to describe how you want to be treated. Go for anything you want such as respect, happiness, confidence or a relationship, a material item etc. For example:
- “I feel safe, confident and secure in myself.”
- “I have fulfilling, loving relationships.”
- “I know how to treat myself with respect.”
- “I now get treated with respect.”
- “I’m grateful I love myself enough not to need anyone’s approval.”
- “I love myself the way I am.”
- “I see the happy caring side of (insert their name)”.
As you see these thoughts in your mind, you are creating them in reality.
Place these on cards next to your bed. Say them aloud at night and as you awake. Leave copies around your car, home and workplace, and say them aloud when you see them.
7. Intend to see a change.
If you don’t, you’ll be expecting this person to keep treating you badly – and they will. You’ll be throwing the issue forward into your future… and voilà unfortunately you’ll move into it. That’s why it happens again and again.
It’s a cycle. Break the cycle.
Your thoughts create the life you experience.
Change your thoughts to get what you want.
“If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.”
~~ Napoleon Hill (American author of several books incl. Think and Grow Rich in 1937 – Hill was one of the earliest producers of personal success literature 1883 – 1970)
Once you get an “aha” moment, you automatically get new choices.
Once you’re taking responsibility and choosing to resolve your issues within, you’ll find a few things happen, such as:
- The situation eases. Why? This person’s job as your teacher is accomplished.
- The person drops out of your life. Why? Because you’ve risen to a higher vibration, you’re moving into exciting new relationships aligned with the new you.
Bonus Point #8
Congratulate yourself for taking action and now contemplate all your strengths. One of them being:
“It is a sign of strength, not of weakness, to admit that you don’t know all the answers.”
~~ John P. Lougbrane
So Remember…
I wish you many fabulous family gatherings. If you find yourself getting annoyed at someone, ask yourself:
“Do I blame them or blame no-one, and choose the higher road to wisdom?”
Hopefully you decide to be at peace with this person, see them as an asset and use the lesson to help you grow into a beautiful transformed butterfly.
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Photo Credits: Leaves: Book: Heart Shell: Blue Butterfly: Treasure Chest: Silhouette: Paint brushes: Butterfly on Purple:
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Join all those people who have already found renewed joy in life:
From Verginon40.blogspot:
“I felt it touched upon many aspects of life, and didn’t try to preach to me or to provide me with a strict regimen of instruction for bettering myself. It makes you think about self-awareness and I really loved the inspirational quotes that were at the beginning of each chapter.
The book is easy to read, hard to put down at times, in fact. Janet is a believer in loving who you are and not trying to squeeze yourself into a box or change yourself to fit someone else’s mold or idea. If you can love yourself as you are, the rest will follow.
The book is perfect not just for one type of person either, no matter who you are, where you are in life, there is something for everyone and each person will take something important away after reading it.”
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From Sharon at BeckValleyBooks.blogspot.com
“An excellent book which can and will help you change your life for the better. The emphasis of the exercises and guidance in the book is all about your ‘self ‘ – How you see yourself, what pre-determined ideas and beliefs you have and how others react to your behaviour and attitude.
The challenges and demands which we face in our lives are cleverly broken down into chapters and for each demand/challenge the author gives you an alternative thought process to help you cope. With practice this could lead to that demand/challenge becoming less of an impact on your life and therefore eliminating that problem and as each problem is eradicated your life is enriched.”
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Now, return to being the extraordinary person you’ve always been…
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- Why it’s ideal you’re NOT perfect : -)
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- An exercise to learn how to discover your dreams and goals
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This is Janet Poole; I believe there are better ways to delight your customers and inspire your staff.
I’m a certified Know Your WHY Facilitator and Coach and a Certified Facilitator of Bob Proctor’s Thinking into Results program.
Better Ways. More Freedom.
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