Is blaming your family, friends or colleagues keeping you stuck?
Relationships are often the cause of heartache, anger and resentment.
Did you know…
… one of the main ways we grow is through relationships?
The QUESTION is:
Are you willing to be happy and free?
Did you know most of us are not willing to give up blame so as to be happy!
Isn’t it weird how feeling bad feels so “good”?
It’s true! Blame and feeling bad can feel good, but it’s only momentary and it keeps us in prison.
Which is a terrible long term plan for happiness, and can lead to serious health issues!
If you are truly ready for long term happiness, read on.
When you’re with someone have you ever…
Felt angry
Felt jealous
Felt rejected or ignored
Felt hurt
Felt betrayed
Found fault with or criticized them
Seen them as arrogant or selfish
Seen them as blunt or unfriendly
Seen them as uncaring or disrespectful
If YES — then again read on!
These are feelings most of have felt.
But they are neither “good” nor “bad”.
But what is important is, if you’ve consciously noticed it (as opposed to unconsciously reacted) then you’ve already taken a huge step forward and can use this as a powerful opportunity to grow.
BUT, how do I grow through relationships?
First off, know that you’re always seeing yourself in the other person.
Yes, they have a message for you.
Notice: What do they say to you? How do they annoy you?
How do they make you feel?
These are secret messages that give insight into you and the issues you’ve suppressed.
I know… it can seem like a puzzle to work this out : )
4 Steps to “Getting the Message” From This Person
1. First you need COURAGE!
Congratulations! Choosing not to blame and instead looking for the message is a courageous act.
2.Make a DECISION that you are open and willing to get the message.
Obvious perhaps, but you need to be in the right frame of mind!
3. Next, find the CLUES the person is giving you.
Remember, you won’t see your entire self in others, you’ll only see slivers or small parts.
Your CLUES are those parts that annoy or hurt you and are your clues to learning more about yourself.
So, let’s discover those clues. Imagine that person now.
Say to yourself something like, “I feel ___(describe the feeling)____”
e.g. “I feel angry”
“I feel small”
“I feel rejected”
“They are arrogant, they are selfish.”
Create a list of anything that comes up for you.
Don’t analyse – just keep writing.
4. CONTEMPLATE that list of clues.
Once you’re lost in thought the answer will come.
Persevere because you will eventually get the answer — even if it takes months.
My personal story in my book is in Chapter 32 – Forgiveness and took me months, but I was determined to get the message. And you can too! The “aha-moment” was worth it and I successfully moved on.
“Forgiveness is not something you do for someone else;
it’s something you do for yourself.”
~~ Jim Beaver, Life’s That Way: A Memoir
3 Things That Will Make You Feel Good When Learning About Yourself:
1. Feel good because you’re not necessarily looking for stuff people might consider “bad” e.g. anger, hate, jealously.
It may be that you felt abandoned or rejected as a child. You may feel unworthy. You may have suppressed anger or it may be a limiting belief from childhood.
Don’t judge it. Let it be “IS”.
You don’t have to know why you feel that way, just acknowledge that you do.
Be open to discovering things like your own anger, arrogance or insistence on controlling others (yes, most of us love control).
2. Feel good because it’s not about moving the blame from others to you.
We’re too hard on ourselves (which is why we blame!). Rather this is merely an opportunity to learn more about you.
Don’t be hard on yourself because even those of us who ought to know better fall into this trap.
3. Feel good because you can choose to see the situation as an opportunity, rather than a problem.
(See Chapter 5 in my book – Challenges Are Powerful Opportunities For You)
Personally, I never want to miss an opportunity to grow because in the end my issue is there whether I deny it or not.
Now a Quick Check…
Is there anyone in your community who you feel did the wrong thing to you?
If so, it’s important to deal with it — now you know how.
3 Rewards When Moving On From Blame:
1. Clarity and peace
The feeling of clarity and peace is euphoric and your new insight means personal growth. Know thyself! One of our yearnings!
2. The person like “magic” seems to change
Oh how you wished the person would change! Well, when you move on from blame they will appear to do so. You will stop feeling anger, they’ll no longer seem arrogant, blunt or hurtful.
You may even form a closer relationship with them! (This often happens!)
3. You no longer rely on people’s behaviour
Whoo hoo! You no longer need others to behave a certain way so that you can be happy. You become happy no matter what. You make yourself happy; you are empowered.
Adversity Always Gets Your Attention
Remember of course you can also see your own love, kindness and generosity reflected in others but it’s always the adversity that gets our attention!
The adversity makes us more inclined to look at ourselves – where most of us use any excuse to avoid looking at ourselves.
When we avoid the opportunity it will always come again in the form of someone else.
This has probably been happening all your life (without you even knowing it… until now)!
Have you ever said, “Why does this always happens to me”?
“When you blame and criticize others, you are avoiding some truth about yourself.”
~~ Deepak Chopra
Let’s face it now and move forward!
When Is It Time to Move On?
Now, for clarity’s sake — please know, it is unnecessary to keep an angry, hurtful person in your life.
Feel free to move on as long as you can genuinely say you’ve been honest with yourself and contemplated what you could learn.
I’m not saying this is easy but it’s worth it because you’ll feel fabulous!
There you have it – 10 Tips to Stop Blaming Others!
In other words it’s no coincidence if you’re sick or diseased and at the same time in a bitter and twisted relationship with someone in your life.
(See Part 1 of “Troubled Relationships”)
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coalwith the intent of throwing it at someone else;you are the one who gets burned.”
~~ Buddha
If you have feelings of…
blame
hate
revenge
anger
irritation
judgement
… please know they’re always felt by you, only YOU.
This means if you hate someone then you’re hating yourself; your own body BECOMES that hate.
Your thoughts and feelings always, always, always manifest in your body, only YOUR body.
If you hate someone you hate you, only YOU.
A little background.
1. Did you know feelings like BLAME, hate, revenge and anger feel so delicious because they flush addictive chemicals throughout your body?
It feels delicious but it’s creating devastation.
These chemicals are more addictive than any drug which is why after a few days you’ll need to create another argument to ensure more flushes of the “blame, hate, anger” chemicals.
You feel “good” after each hit because it’s the same as a drug hit, but the good feeling doesn’t last and you’re back to repeating the cycle for another hit.
2. Did you know when you BLAME or feel hate, revenge or anger, it goes into every cell of your body?
In an instant every cell becomes crippled.
You feel tense, rigid and stressed.
Day after day as you have these feelings, the cell becomes more crippled. It moves into a state of decline, starts SHUTTING DOWN and ages you.
If you ever say, “I am sick of them”, then you are.
Your cells only do as you tell them.
If you’re angry and inflexible in attitude, your body reflects that and it’s almost impossible to EVOLVE as a person if you’re rigid and stiff.
I’ll assume you’d rather not do this to your body so let’s do whatever we can to move you towards love even if you’re angry.
How do you move to a more loving feeling?
1. First make a DECISION.
All desired outcomes start with a decision.
DECIDE you’re going to evolve and become the best you can be.
2. You may be surprised, but I’m NOT going to suggest you suppress your feelings.
Why? Because society has taught us to suppress and that’s why it keeps coming back up.
We’ve been taught to be “nice”, to fit in and “behave”. That’s not FREEDOM, that’s suppression; no wonder people are angry.
The way to WELLNESS is to FEEL the feeling but OBSERVE yourself with the feeling.
As if you’re a scientist observing an experiment.
BE AWARE of what’s happening; it’s the awareness that will move you into WELLNESS, letting it go and evolving.
3. You’ll need to re-commit to this decision every day.
4. Self-discipline will be needed because we’re all so addicted to those chemicals but YOU WILL BE REWARDED because you’ll start to feel more love and that love will always, always, always manifest in your body, only YOUR body.
If you love someone you love you, only YOU.
Don’t do this because THEY deserve it. Do it because YOU deserve it.
LOVE is it’s own reward.
Allow your troubled relationship to teach you about LOVE OF YOURSELF.
I’ve had to do this in my life; I know it’s not easy but IT IS POSSIBLE if you’re willing.
“Only the powerful can show love, especially during adversity or conflict.”
~~ Janet Poole – How to Get Anything You Want – Just Like That!
What if you’re not ready to do this now?
Well, you’ll be ready if you become more sick or feel low enough, and of course there’s always next lifetime.
Stop the blame, let go of judgement, introduce love and take responsibility in becoming the person you want to see in others.
Be merciful to that person who is driving you nuts because after all it’s you who receives the gift of mercy.
How much do you want your health? Are you WILLING to no longer be sick?
This is Janet Poole; I believe there are better ways to delight your customers and inspire your staff.
Better Ways. More Freedom.
Knowing your WHY is like turning on the lights to your behaviour. You gain instant clarity. It’s like being introduced to yourself. When you know your WHY, you begin to understand. When you know your WHY, you realise your unique gifts. When you know your WHY, you gain clarity and confidence. When you know your WHY you live with passion.
If we were WILLING to see things the way they are, many of our issues would be gone in a flash.
Most of us have no idea that we’re STUBBORN.
We don’t know we’re stubborn because it’s hidden and we don’t want to hear the idea of being stubborn because we’d rather blame something or someone… but that’s not the path to FREEDOM.
“Humility and freedom go hand in hand.
Only a humble person can be free.”
~~ Jeff Wilson
The more challenging the relationship and the closer the relationship, the more stubborn we get!
I hope you know by now – intellectually at least – that you can only change yourself.
It’s strange.
We know this and expect it of others, but when it comes to our own interactions with others we stubbornly insist THEY change.
Quantum physics proves that’s not how it works, but would you truly like to depend on others for your happiness?
You see, we can’t see the situation as it really is.
“We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters,
your brothers, the school, the teachers – but never blame
yourself. It’s never your fault.
But it’s always your fault, because if you wanted to
change you’re the one who has got to change.”
~~ Katharine Hepburn
Now… if you’re being stubborn, what does that mean for you?
A lot.
It means you’ve put your life on hold; you’re waiting for someone else to change.
The problem with waiting?
What if they never change?
It means you’re stuck and choosing to holdyourselfback from a beautiful life.
It’s you… you’re doing this. No-one else.
Day after day you’re giving your attention to something that drags you down.
Day after day you’re blaming the other person and giving your power to them.
That person controls your life.
The weeks go by, the tension mounts and you get more irritated, frustrated and angry.
You’ll probably whine and complain with whoever will listen.
If you’re okay with that there’s nothing more to be said (but I urge you to check out part 2 of this article)
Alternatively, you could see this as a golden opportunity to grow personally, liberate yourself and move into fun rewards.
What can you do?
Take the initiative and ask yourself what you can do to create your own happiness and NEVER AGAIN depend on anyone else.
This is a path only for the humble and courageous because blame feels so delicious but…
What if you saw this as good news?
What if you could see you’ve been imprisoning yourself?
What if you could see you’re holding the key to your own freedom?
I’m unwilling for my happiness to depend on other people’s behaviour.
I LOVE the rewards I get by choosing my happiness; it feels good.
How about you? I hope you go for taking responsibility because your happiness depends on it!
This is Janet Poole; I believe there are better ways to delight your customers and inspire your staff.
Better Ways. More Freedom.
Knowing your WHY is like turning on the lights to your behaviour. You gain instant clarity. It’s like being introduced to yourself. When you know your WHY, you begin to understand. When you know your WHY, you realise your unique gifts. When you know your WHY, you gain clarity and confidence. When you know your WHY you live with passion.
The best way to achieve that is to keep growing, evolving.
Enter relationships! They are one of the main ways we grow. Especially of course when they’re challenging us.
The point being:
A challenging relationship is not a “problem”, it can be AN ASSET.
Have a brilliant time at your family gatherings this year by taking the higher road. Take those disputes and use them to release hidden issues (which dictate your life!) Releasing them opens you to exciting new opportunities.
These 7 steps wrap-up parts 1 & 2, which built the understanding behind disputes. Now you have what you need to use a dispute as a valuable opportunity to transform your life. If you’re someone who wants to become greater follow the 7 steps and look back on the issue as a blessing.
So now, you have the power to create what you want. It’s your choice. You can either have:
a heavy life filled with revenge & justice
OR
a free & light-hearted life with anything you want
It may require humility but I promise you, you’ll always win.
(NOTE: This does not involve working this out with the other person – this is ALL ABOUT YOU – as usual : -)
Use this article for any disagreement or where you’re not getting along.
“To truly laugh, you must be able to take your pain and play with it.” ~~ Charlie Chaplin
Whether you do anything about this or not depends on how much this is hurting you.
Enough pain and you’ll act.
This is part 3 of a 3-part series: Coming Through Family Disputes Peacefully and More Empowered.
Steps 1 – 4 may be a challenge. Do them so you can CELEBRATE in steps 5 – 7!
1. KNOWLEDGE FREES
1. Create the intention to learn about yourself.
The natural state of your Spirit is to learn, to discover – especially about YOU!
Try to put revenge, anger, disappointment aside for these 7 steps. If it seems impossible to learn anything, try saying one of the following sentences to at least get you onto the page:
“Is there any way I could be open to the possibility there is something important to learn about myself – even though I’m still angry about what happened?”
“I choose to learn something profound about me today.”
“What if being open to learning about my role in this, could really change my life?”
“Is there a chance my life could become more meaningful by understanding the message in this situation?”
Another idea: Pretend you’re observing someone else with this issue – learn by watching.
“Growth begins when we start to accept our own weakness.”
~~ Jean Vanier (Canadian Catholic philosopher Founder of L’Arche – group homes for people with developmental disabilities b. 1928)
2. LOVE YOURSELF THE WAY YOU ARE
2. Take a stance of ‘no blame’.
No right and wrong. Not you, not them – even if it’s just for this exercise.
You may not want to let the other person off the hook because they hurt you, but once you understand the reason for disputes your fear disappears and nothing can hurt you.
Because…
…when you know you create every part of your life, how can anyone hurt you?
1: Others Control You if You Try to Prove Them Wrong
2: Others Control You if You Blame Them for What Happened
In fact once you know this, learning more about you becomes more important and exciting than seeking revenge and justice.
3. GAIN PEARLS OF WISDOM
3. Create and contemplate the following questions.
Do this key step to get valuable insights out-of-the blue.
Idea: Print this page, so you can have these questions with you when you have time such as in traffic, on a train, bus or cooking etc. Make it easy for you to take action.
These give you the message about using this dispute to grow. It may not be obvious how these questions help, but do it and you’ll see.
“What bugs me about this person?”
“Could this be my message?”
“How does this person make me feel?”
“What does that message tell me about myself?”
“What message is this person giving me?”
“How are they treating me?”
“Is it possible their treatment of me is how I expect to be treated?”
“Is it possible their treatment of me is how I treat others?”
“If I was open to learning about myself today, what would that learning be?”
“How can I evolve from this experience: how can I grow?”
“We do not see things as they are, but as we are ourselves.”
~~ Henry M. Tomlinson (British writer and journalist 1873 – 1958)
4. USE THE OPPORTUNITY TO TRANSFORM
4. Use those answers to discover any inadequacies in you.
It’s in your nature to change… to transform.
When someone annoys us it’s usually highlighting an inadequacy. It means it’s time to MOVE ON from the inadequacy.
Did the questions in point#3 uncover feelings of:
inferiority
bitterness
guilt
anxiety
self-pity
jealousy
disappointment in yourself
or
arrogance
stubbornness
or they made you feel
afraid, fearful – maybe you feel you need to toe the line & keep others happy to avoid being abandoned or excluded.
This is why that insensitive – annoying – hurtful or frightening person can be an ASSET.
This is not that easy – we’re often in denial about our feelings because you may see yourself as weak. But that’s not true. It takes strength to see ourselves for who we are. No-one is perfect and if you hide the issue, it’s still there.
Here’s a good question:
“Is it worth hiding these issues and holding yourself back for all eternity?”
“The person with insight enough to admit his limitations comes nearest to perfection.”
~~ Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe (German writer, artist & politician 1749 – 1832)
Let’s take one of the questions from above as an example:
“Is it possible their treatment of me is how I expect to be treated?”
Perhaps you decided DISRESPECT is the issue. What could that possibly mean for you?
Contemplate, drill down further with more questions and you may come up with a NEED FOR APPROVAL. Keep drilling down every time you discover something – what is behind the issue. Then, contemplate ways you can start giving yourself whatever you’re lacking e.g. respect and approval. Remember you can only give yourself what you need – others cannot do it for you. Once you give it to yourself, you’ll see it reflected in your relationship with others. Step 6 continues this process.
“A man who knows he is a fool, is not a great fool.”
~~ Zhuangzi (Influential Chinese philosopher who lived around 4th century BCE)
Remember the ripple effects and rewards from recognizing and changing just one inadequacy or limitation can be phenomenal.
You can get more help from Chapter 3 – Whatever You Think is True – which comes as a part of the FREE 3 chapter download of the book. It will help you understand:
where your thoughts come from
why anything you want is already there for you
how to consciously choose your thoughts
(see the end of this article for what you get in the free download)
5. LET’S LIBERATE YOU!
5. Acknowledge what you’ve discovered – this is fabulous!
Let’s liberate you.
Really own it. By taking responsibility for who you are, you will naturally start to heal and move into the wonderful.
“Champions take responsibility. When the ball is coming over the net, you can be sure I want the ball.”
~~ Billie Jean King (American tennis player – Won 12 Grand Slam singles tennis titles b. 1943)
6. NOW FOR SOME FUN! Decide what you want.
6. CHOOSE WHAT YOU WANT
How do you want to be treated?
Use this information to move in a new direction. You have infinite potentials. Just say the word. Often we “wish” but never really state with intention what we want.
Choose powerful thoughts to describe how you want to be treated. Go for anything you want such as respect, happiness, confidence or a relationship, a material item etc. For example:
“I feel safe, confident and secure in myself.”
“I have fulfilling, loving relationships.”
“I know how to treat myself with respect.”
“I now get treated with respect.”
“I’m grateful I love myself enough not to need anyone’s approval.”
“I love myself the way I am.”
“I see the happy caring side of (insert their name)”.
As you see these thoughts in your mind, you are creating them in reality.
Place these on cards next to your bed. Say them aloud at night and as you awake. Leave copies around your car, home and workplace, and say them aloud when you see them.
7. MOVE INTO A NEW WORLD
7. Intend to see a change.
If you don’t, you’ll be expecting this person to keep treating you badly – and they will. You’ll be throwing the issue forward into your future… and voilà unfortunately you’ll move into it. That’s why it happens again and again.
It’s a cycle. Break the cycle.
Your thoughts create the life you experience.
Change your thoughts to get what you want.
“If you do not conquer self, you will be conquered by self.”
~~ Napoleon Hill (American author of several books incl. Think and Grow Rich in 1937 – Hill was one of the earliest producers of personal success literature 1883 – 1970)
Once you get an “aha” moment, you automatically get new choices.
Once you’re taking responsibility and choosing to resolve your issues within, you’ll find a few things happen, such as:
The situation eases. Why? This person’s job as your teacher is accomplished.
The person drops out of your life. Why? Because you’ve risen to a higher vibration, you’re moving into exciting new relationships aligned with the new you.
Bonus Point #8
Congratulate yourself for taking action and now contemplate all your strengths. One of them being:
“It is a sign of strength, not of weakness, to admit that you don’t know all the answers.”
~~ John P. Lougbrane
So Remember…
I wish you many fabulous family gatherings. If you find yourself getting annoyed at someone, ask yourself:
“Do I blame them or blame no-one, and choose the higher road to wisdom?”
Hopefully you decide to be at peace with this person, see them as an asset and use the lesson to help you grow into a beautiful transformed butterfly.
When you’re ready to learn more, order a copy of How to Get Anything You Want – Just Like That! (on Amazon or on this site – see buttons on the left) and…
Join all those people who have already found renewed joy in life:
“I felt it touched upon many aspects of life, and didn’t try to preach to me or to provide me with a strict regimen of instruction for bettering myself. It makes you think about self-awareness and I really loved the inspirational quotes that were at the beginning of each chapter.
The book is easy to read, hard to put down at times, in fact. Janet is a believer in loving who you are and not trying to squeeze yourself into a box or change yourself to fit someone else’s mold or idea. If you can love yourself as you are, the rest will follow.
The book is perfect not just for one type of person either, no matter who you are, where you are in life, there is something for everyone and each person will take something important away after reading it.”
“An excellent book which can and will help you change your life for the better. The emphasis of the exercises and guidance in the book is all about your ‘self ‘ – How you see yourself, what pre-determined ideas and beliefs you have and how others react to your behaviour and attitude.
The challenges and demands which we face in our lives are cleverly broken down into chapters and for each demand/challenge the author gives you an alternative thought process to help you cope. With practice this could lead to that demand/challenge becoming less of an impact on your life and therefore eliminating that problem and as each problem is eradicated your life is enriched.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now, return to being the extraordinary person you’ve always been…
Proof. Easy-to-understand elements of quantum physics, explaining why your life is this way.
Why it’s ideal you’re NOT perfect : -)
The SEVEN Steps to happiness & what you want
Why your past is a blessing
Why you ought to love yourself first and how to do that
Why you are free to do what you love, how to do what you love
An exercise to learn how todiscover your dreams and goals
An exercise to develop greater wisdom, awareness, truth
Where your thoughts come from
Why your thoughts create your life
Proof that anything is possible with thought – using latest breakthroughs in neuroscience such as neuroplasticity as an example. All simply explained.
An exercise to consciously choose your thoughts
Start TODAY – Download 3 free chapters
All in the first three chapters.
Why this book?
The aim is to return your FREE WILL to you, to urge you to question what life is all about. You’ll realize you’ve inadvertently bought into & live by programs you did not choose.
It empowers you to live life on your own terms and reach your true potential. It solves the human mystery and uses science to prove why you really can get anything you want.
You learn why an extraordinary person is not someone else, it’s YOU!
You’re entitled to love in your life, lots of it. Did you know that you control the amount of love that comes into your life?
It is you who decides to allow more love or to turn it away. All circumstances depend on you – in finding a new relationship as well as in how healthy it is. You are the key to everything in your life.
The following extract highlights the vital part you play in having a healthy relationship.
Changing Others by Changing Yourself
“Happiness is a choice that requires effort at all times.”
Aeschylus (Greek playwright, 525–456 BC)
It sounds easier for someone else to make changes so that you can be happy. That’s less effort for you, right? You can see yourself sitting back with your feet up, watching the world dancing to your tune. Well, actually yes, but you need to decide the dance, and you need to decide the tune. If you want a new dance or tune, then again, you must change them.
Waiting for others to change means your power to create change in your life is held by other people, and they decide your life. No thanks. Fortunately, the only person you can change is yourself, because then you, and only you, hold the power to choose your life.
Most people wait or hope for others to change so they can get what they want, but this is a hopeless situation. Not only are they giving away their power, but what do they do while they are waiting? Stay miserable? I don’t think so. In any case, forcing others to change is rarely successful. The change, even if it eventually happens, will be short-term and may not be optimal for you.”
Relationships can seem like hard work, but they are our biggest teachers for self-improvement. Would you like to know how to handle relationships so that you gain confidence, have more fun and become even more compatible and closer? Here’s the secret to happy healthy relationships: How to Get Anything You Want – Just Like That!
Proof. Easy-to-understand elements of quantum physics, explaining why your life is this way.
Why you’re on earth
Why you ought to love yourself first and how to do that
Why you are free to do what you love, how to do what you love
How to discover your dreams and goals
How to develop greater wisdom, awareness, truth
Where your thoughts come from
Why your thoughts create your life
Proof that anything is possible with thought – using latest breakthroughs in neuroscience such as neuroplasticity as an example. All simply explained – you’ll say, “Wow!”
Rather than wishing for a happy healthy relationship, take action to learn how to find one and keep it that way. The more you learn about relationships the more fun they’ll be.
We only see WHAT WE WANT TO SEE.
janetpoole.com 